Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.
So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.
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“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.