Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.