Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
You Might Also Like
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.