Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

I’ve had worse

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.