Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Bro what is this

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.