Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

This forever.

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

The struggle is real