Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
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I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
“Why you watching this shit?”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
it takes so much energy
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
serving silly goose instead of turkey
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture