Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 馃槵
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I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I鈥檓 watching something on it.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80鈥檚 pop group.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can鈥檛 afford this!”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I need to get some bricks…
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now