Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1467964371284463616/pu/vid/404x720/hHKJ-tVGPWGGWyq0.mp4?tag=12

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.