Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

me to God

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

what’s the point then??

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.