Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
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pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Made something I’m not proud of
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
yes… yes…
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Give us this day our daily internet validation
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them