Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.