Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
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Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit