Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery