Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
You Might Also Like
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
😍😂🥰😂😍
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.