Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/