Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
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The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
watergate? u mean a dam??
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok