Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️
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The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Hey I worked for it too!
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.