*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
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*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
what do you want
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
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Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Toxic snake
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
my professor scared me for a second
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”