Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

Its a hippotatomus

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…