Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”