Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
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I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
happy friday
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm