Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
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Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
(Electricians.)
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Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..![]()
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
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[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.