Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
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Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
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You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting