Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
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Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
This anagram machine is out of order.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks