Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
They’re the worst 😩
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.