Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
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Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Thursday
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF