Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?