Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.