Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
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*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
we’re gonna need another temp
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin