Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Single worst piece of software ever invented

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email