someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
mentally somewhere in italy
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
