someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me My dog
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
