Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
You Might Also Like
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??