Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
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Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
BETRAYAL
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.