Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

Gemma Correll

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?