Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
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Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU