@CrockettForReal

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

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@tchrquotes

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

@kelownagoose

If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I’ll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.

@henchbeaver

Things that make me irrationally angry:

• fire ants
• random clicking sounds
• hangnails
• brass or gold accents in home décor
• mayonnaise

@prodigalsam

“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.

@Kvy_kv

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

@alyssalimp

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

@bmarked21

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

@usagiboiz

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@jamieleefinch

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.