Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
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I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.