Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone