Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

oh you like nyc? name every rat

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.