Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.