Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
You Might Also Like
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
How dramatic are you?
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
We need to put an American base on the sun
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.