Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
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So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC