Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
You Might Also Like
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Every damn time
