Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
You Might Also Like
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit