Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals