Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
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Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
where the womens at?
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Weighing up my bread heating options
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*