@WilliamAder

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

You Might Also Like

@wettbutt

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

@JasonLight73

If the camera adds 10 lbs. & Mirrors don’t lie..Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror? It defies logic

@TheBoydP

If by “chivalry is dead” you mean “I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she’s making me do laundry for a week” then yes chivalry is dead

@youngestneil

My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don’t brush my teeth

@hstweetheart

Me: I want a pet dragon!

Life: HERE’S A CAT WITH IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME.

@TheNardvark

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

@david8hughes

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

@good_fats

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

@YourPrincess_L

Relationship status

I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.

@JPLFR80

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.