Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

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uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage


If the camera adds 10 lbs. & Mirrors don’t lie..Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror? It defies logic


If by “chivalry is dead” you mean “I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she’s making me do laundry for a week” then yes chivalry is dead


My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don’t brush my teeth


Me: I want a pet dragon!



“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”


Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like


forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10


Relationship status

I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.


I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.