Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
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ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium