Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing