Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that