Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.