Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
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I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.