Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
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If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system