Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

Rich people don’t understand cereal

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.