Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I am patiently waiting for your email
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there