Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

can’t believe I got front row seats

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.