Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

I’ve been lied to my entire life

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

[invention of fish net stockings]

fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!

fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?

fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

Yes

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.