Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
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Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.