Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

[taking my date for a walk in the woods]

HER: this sure is a dense forest

ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.