Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
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We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no