Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

When someone trying to leave me

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

My favorite farside!!

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.