Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

look scared

lol

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Eat…