Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!