Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Kids, do not try this at home!
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
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I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog