Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
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“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
starting a garage orchestra
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND