Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
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Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Can’t, holding a grudge
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.