Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
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Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
That’s what I call a flat tire
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[montage of me giving-up]
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…