Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

I might carry a baby with one hand.

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

Mornin

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?