Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

THE AUDACITY. 😤

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.