Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
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I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos