Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.