Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
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What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.