Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
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me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
This is my favorite one of these!
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
bears
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.