Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
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I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.